Ask The Fiddler - The Art of the Prank

October 28, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #13: That Sinking Feeling

fiddler-75 Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler:

What do you make of the sinkhole epidemic?

Mary in Ottumwa

Dear Mary:

Read fast, the End is at hand.

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Depending on your interpretation, quite a bit of Bible prophecy refers to sinkholes. No doubt these gaping pits are sure signs of impending doom, brought down upon us by God”s disapproval of the Kardashians, super-sized colas, and parachute pants. One inspired blogger warns that we are in times prophesied by Isaiah, when you”ll just be moseying along and, whoa, a sinkhole opens up right under your feet.

But wait. Let”s look at this scientifically. Surely, sinkholes are happening because of all the stuff – oil, gas, water — we”ve extracted. It”s causing the earth to collapse inward. Well, that may be a common sense assessment but it”s not science. The bulk of scientific opinion claims fracking and drilling are not responsible. But folks who live where fracking and drilling have caused sinkholes tend to disagree. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #13: That Sinking Feeling”

October 21, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #12: Everybody Discovered America!

Dear Fiddler:

Much as I appreciate a holiday in honor of Columbus, I”ve seen reports that he may be getting undeserved credit. So, who discovered America?

Annie in Montpelier

Dear Annie:

This is a subject steeped in considerable controversy.

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There are those who contend that the real problem is, the whole thing is taught back-asswards. The truth of the matter is, as these contrarians see it, Native Americans discovered Europe. We”ll delve deeper into that matter in a bit, but first let”s have a look at some other contenders for the exploit attributed to Columbus.

It might be worth noting that boats without motors can be unpredictable vehicles. Over the vast expanse of human time, wouldn”t you suspect that a great many drifiting boats from afar inadvertently “discovered” America?

Further, there is the factor that might be called the macho double-dare. “Buddy, I”ll bet you ten conch shells and a bucket of whale blubber the world ain”t flat.” How many reckless young sailors set off to see what lay beyond the horizon?

And we can”t discount greed, the search for riches.

Lastly there is the incentive provided by barbaric hordes coming over the hill. How often in the violent history of mankind was it time to pack your shit and git, possibly sailing off for parts unknown?

The thing is, dang near everybody discovered America. A bit of research will reveal that, whatever your heritage, you can probably make a claim of relatedness to a discoverer of America. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #12: Everybody Discovered America!”

October 14, 2013December 15, 2023

Fiddle File #4

The Fiddle File #4

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Beverly Hills: Great idea, bust in on your buddy pretending to be armed robbers. A real hoot, until your buddy starts breaking noses.

Everywhere: Congratulations, you”ve won tons of money in an automated FaceBook lottery. Whoops, sorry — no money just lots of bad stuff loaded on your computer.

St. Louis: Here”s an airline ticket, please fly to St. Louis and I”ll give you $19,000 for that ring you advertised on CraigsList. You really don”t believe this story has a happy ending?

Continue reading “Fiddle File #4”

October 13, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #11: This Health Tonic is a Real Pisser

Dear Fiddler:

I”ve been reading about the health benefits of ingesting pee. The reports are mixed. What”s your analysis?

Vera in Pascagoula

Dear Vera:

You”re probably sitting there wondering what ingestion of urine has to do with flying reindeer. Well, we will get to that. But first let”s look at the pros and cons.

flying_reindeer-200 I”ll have to admit, Vera, I”m kind of into alternative health stuff. If Deepak Chopra or Dr. Oz say “try it,” sign me up. But, honestly, if Dr. Oz announced that his next segment was going to be on the health benefits of drinking piss, I”m pretty sure I”d flip over and watch some more Cops re-runs.

The way I figure it, Mother Nature spent a hell of a long time designing a remarkable creature so efficient that it can dominate and wreck a perfectly good planet. Of course I”m talking about us, human beings. And that design doesn”t consider urine a keeper. We”re engineered to get rid of the stuff, when ya gotta go ya gotta go. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #11: This Health Tonic is a Real Pisser”

October 6, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #10: For the Artist, A Dog”s Life

Dear Fiddler:

A friend has purchased a painting he claims was done by a dog. It”s nothing great, but still “¦ I think he was scammed. Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Walt in Albuquerque

Dear Walt,

sammydogpainter-200 A dog that paints pictures? Come on. It takes forever to get a mutt to sit, or quit chewing pillows, or keep its nose out of interesting roadside crap. Who could possibly believe dogs have artistic capabilities?

But then again. Look at it from the dog”s point of view. Would Leonardo do a chapel ceiling for a biscuit? Do you think Picasso would even pick up a brush knowing his masterpiece would earn nothing more than a chewy stick? Forget it. No smart dog is going to all that trouble for a cheap treat.

Well, a few, maybe.

Believe it or not, some dogs turn out paintings that sell for big bucks, a thousand and more. There is even a kit for owners who want to see if Jack Russell is the next Jackson Pollock. In several cases I noticed, profits go to support worthy causes. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #10: For the Artist, A Dog”s Life”