Ask The Fiddler #13: That Sinking Feeling

Filed under: Satire

fiddler-75Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler:

What do you make of the sinkhole epidemic?

Mary in Ottumwa

Dear Mary:

Read fast, the End is at hand.


Depending on your interpretation, quite a bit of Bible prophecy refers to sinkholes. No doubt these gaping pits are sure signs of impending doom, brought down upon us by God”™s disapproval of the Kardashians, super-sized colas, and parachute pants. One inspired blogger warns that we are in times prophesied by Isaiah, when you”™ll just be moseying along and, whoa, a sinkhole opens up right under your feet.

But wait. Let”™s look at this scientifically. Surely, sinkholes are happening because of all the stuff – oil, gas, water — we”™ve extracted. It”™s causing the earth to collapse inward. Well, that may be a common sense assessment but it”™s not science. The bulk of scientific opinion claims fracking and drilling are not responsible. But folks who live where fracking and drilling have caused sinkholes tend to disagree.

There are liable to be more disagreements as fracking and drilling triggers collapses along the Madrid Fault Line. That includes areas within Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee and Mississippi. Fasten your safety belts, folks.

Bothersome as it might be to tumble into a sinkhole, you don”™t need to get swallowed to suffer disastrous consequences. They can get you with toxic fumes, belching methane, benzene and hydrogen sulfide.

Wait a minute though. Art of the Prank readers aren”™t bamboozled by Bible prophecy or science, they think differently, right? So, where is the golden opportunity in this sinkhole calamity? Well, human nature being what it is, there seems an insatiable desire to peer into holes, sometimes at risk or accomplishment of death. Perhaps it is an ancient longing, homesickness for the burrows and caves. How to capitalize on that?

How about, sinkhole tourism. Hire a bus, sell tickets. Actually, someone has already considered the idea.

If you search Google or your favorite engine for your state-plus-sinkhole you may find a map, many states have them. And if you”™re thinking big, there is a Google map of the major ones around the country.

What bothers me most is the theory put forward by one observer that the sinkholes appear to be trying to link up. Do we really need more Grand Canyons, or maybe a network of them?

In conclusion, I don”™t want to alarm you further, but ,,, did you just feel a tremor?

Here are some warning signs to watch for”¦

Yours truly,

The Fiddler

Remember our motto here at camp: “If you take advice from The Fiddler, you need advice.” Send comments and questions to: Art of the Prank.

images: Huffington Post

The Fiddler is a creation of W.J. Elvin III