Ask The Fiddler #11: This Health Tonic is a Real Pisser

Filed under: Satire

fiddler-75Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler:

I”™ve been reading about the health benefits of ingesting pee. The reports are mixed. What”™s your analysis?

Vera in Pascagoula

Dear Vera:

You”™re probably sitting there wondering what ingestion of urine has to do with flying reindeer. Well, we will get to that. But first let”™s look at the pros and cons.

flying_reindeer-200I”™ll have to admit, Vera, I”™m kind of into alternative health stuff. If Deepak Chopra or Dr. Oz say “try it,” sign me up. But, honestly, if Dr. Oz announced that his next segment was going to be on the health benefits of drinking piss, I”™m pretty sure I”™d flip over and watch some more Cops re-runs.

The way I figure it, Mother Nature spent a hell of a long time designing a remarkable creature so efficient that it can dominate and wreck a perfectly good planet. Of course I”™m talking about us, human beings. And that design doesn”™t consider urine a keeper. We”™re engineered to get rid of the stuff, when ya gotta go ya gotta go.

But, hey, there are those who claim we”™ve got a medicine cabinet, right there in our own bladders! And in such abundance. Reportedly, an adult on a typical Western diet urinates about 500 liters a year, enough to fill three standard bathtubs. Good to know, if you”™re into filling bathtubs with pee.

One expert says urine may be prescribed to treat 175 different conditions. Truly a wonder drug. Which makes one wonder, why don”™t mainstream docs put it on our medical menu? What could it be but a Big Pharma conspiracy to suppress a free, readily available remedy?

As it turns out, Big Pharma is making plenty of use of the stuff. Martha Christy, author of Your Own Perfect Medicine, tells us all about it: “For almost the entire course of the 20th century, unknown to the public, doctors and medical researchers have been proving in both laboratory and clinical testing that our own urine is an enormous source of vital nutrients, vitamins, hormones, enzymes and critical antibodies that cannot be duplicated or derived from any other source.”

How does the medical establishment make a buck out of that? According to Christy: “They use urine for healing cancer, heart disease, allergies, auto-immune diseases, diabetes, asthma, infertility, infections, wounds and on and on — yet we’re taught that urine is a toxic waste product. This discrepancy between the medical truth and the public information regarding urine is ludicrous “¦ “

Christy continues: “Despite what the public has been led to believe about urine, pharmaceutical companies have grossed billions of dollars from the sale of drugs made from urine constituents.” She goes on to list several products that rake in mega-millions. From there she goes into cosmetic uses, another cash cow for the (synthetic?) urine industry.

I don”™t know if Christy is on the beam or not. But there”™s no doubt, consumption of urine for health has a long history and quite a current following. Proponents say it is chocked full of good stuff – here”™s a list of all the vitamins, minerals and other ingredients.

“I have a glass of urine in the morning and another couple during the day,” Sylvia Chandler told the Mail Online news site. The regimen keeps her young and healthy and is also a good hair wash and moisturizer, she says. Chandler has a bottle of old urine on tap because it improves with age.

Abhishek Thakore, writing on the LifePositive web site, claims a number of medical benefits. Thakore mentions that India”™s former prime minister, Morarji Desai, was an advocate of the ancient practice. Desai lived to be 99 years old, thought to be an indication that he was on to something good.

Thakore cites Dr C.P. Mittal, author of Miracles of Urine Therapy, who reports that certain doctors in India are aware that their patients would not knowingly drink piss, so when the patient comes for a visit, the doctor asks for a urine sample. The sneaky doc then takes it into the back room, where it is repackaged with taste and smell disguised.

Thakore also tells us that three million Chinese indulge. He doesn”™t say how he came up with that statistic. Maybe there”™s a “Like” page on Chinese FaceBook.

There are many stories of survival under catastrophic conditions that include drinking urine, though experts warn that the salt content can lead to dehydration. And, put through a purification process, it is a water source for astronauts.

CamelUrinThere is also interest in the urine of other species. Studies done in the Middle East tout the effectiveness of camel urine in battling a number of diseases including cancer. The studies support teachings of the Prophet Mohammed who recommended camel urine mixed with camel milk as a curative — so it has long been a valued folk medicine.

Although the camel piss studies have received some recognition, you may recall the recent warning here on AOTP about believing everything you read in medical journals – it could be hazardous to your health.

Urine has long been used as a fertilizer, a practice which scientists seem to delight in demonstrating over and over again, probably because their studies will grab public attention. For instance, Finnish scientists have determined that over the course of a year a urinating human could fertilize 6,300 tomato plants. Fascinating, eh?

And now, about those flying reindeer. It”™s well known that Siberian or arctic shamans ate magic mushrooms and passed their pee around to zap followers. An interesting sidelight is that much of our Christmas lore descends from that culture. Santa dresses in red and white, the colors of a hallucinogenic mushroom growing in that region. The trippy mushrooms are found under trees such as pine and so we decorate our trees with mushroom-like ornaments. The flying reindeer, well, swig some shaman pee and you”™ll get the picture.

As an aside, if you happen to be among the legion of unemployed in our country today, there is the not very distinct possibility that you may be carrying your fortune around in your bladder. That assumes you have not been consorting with Siberian shamans.

I”™m not sure how they come by it, but a number of sites sell drug-free urine. Perhaps instead of ingesting pee you should be dispensing it. The sale is, by the way, illegal in many states.

Yours truly,

The Fiddler

Remember our motto here at camp: “If you take advice from The Fiddler, you need advice.” Send comments and questions to: Art of the Prank.


The Fiddler is a creation of W.J. Elvin III