Ask The Fiddler #20: Fly Me to the Moon

Filed under: Satire

fiddler-75Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler,

I”™m anxious to find a little peace and quiet someplace but my options are somewhat limited due to past actions. Any suggestions?

Edward (location redacted)

Dear Edward,

The man to see is Dennis Hope. He owns the Moon. He”™s also president of the Galactic Government, which represents landowners on the Moon and other extraterrestrial properties.

moonAs you might imagine, there are those who say Hope is full of green cheese. There are a number of other claimants and competitors. Such as, the major nations of the world. For an overview of various national and international laws and treaties relating to the Moon, check out the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs.

You”™d probably get a nice welcome from a group of artists who have established “The Republic of the Moon.” But for the moment they don”™t appear to be colonizing, just offering exhibits, performances, workshops and other events.

Another very active group is the Luna Society, which carries on important projects such as naming a crater after Michael Jackson – whom they identify as having owned property on the moon. The Society is focused on development of Moon resources. There is a lot of titanium up there, an expensive ore due to extraction difficulties.

This jumble of ownership claims is difficult to sort out. It seems the best reference is “Who Owns the Moon: Extraterrestrial Aspects of Land and Mineral Resources Ownership,” a very pricey book by Virgiliu Pop issued by the Space Regulations Library.

The author is a Romanian space lawyer who has claimed the Sun as a way of showing the ridiculousness of individual claims to localities in space.

But hurry. The moon is getting further away from the Earth. Maybe. There is some controversy about that observation. A counter argument goes that it is the Earth that is getting further away from the Moon.

Naturally there”™s a question of how to get there. I don”™t believe that in your case transportation will be a big problem. It”™s not widely known but NSA and NASA are thick as prickers in a briar patch.

Obviously there”™s a relationship, with only one letter different. But as you would expect, the agencies deny the link. However, a Brazilian hacker wasn”™t fooled.

So just ask your old pals at NSA and I don”™t doubt they”™ll arrange with NASA to strap you to the next Moon rocket.

But it might be you don”™t have a lot of faith in government agencies, since you”™re on the wanted lists of several of them. So forget the Moon. There are some 75 or so countries that have no extradition treaty with the U.S. – though you”™ll want to be choosy, some are a far cry from paradise.

For example, how anxious are you to be subject to Islamic law, inviting death by stoning for a little of that midnight at the oasis action? Or how about a place like North Korea, where the boss is trying out for the lead in the next Halloween movie release? He”™s likely to decide you”™d make good dog-food. (I know, the “uncle fed to dogs“ story was fake “¦ but why”™d the fakers have to give the guy ideas?).

Here”™s a site listing five top down to Earth picks for countries that might give you shelter, the choices dependent on the sort of lifestyle you hope to pursue.

Yours Truly,

The Fiddler

Remember our motto here at camp: “If you take advice from The Fiddler, you need advice.” Send comments and questions to: Art of the Prank.

image: US News

The Fiddler is a creation of W.J. Elvin III