Fiddler - The Art of the Prank

December 5, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #16: The Cloak of Invisibility

fiddler-75 Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler:

Given the terrors of today”™s environment, I get the jitters in airports, schools, shopping malls, and on city streets. I would like to know how to become invisible.

Phil in Ashville

Dear Phil,

You and what army.

As you probably guessed, the U.S. Army.

invisible tank But they haven”™t quite got it down yet. The current state of the art is theoretical and mainly involves camouflaging troops and weapons to avoid electronic detection.

So it looks you”™re gonna have to go with hoodoo and voodoo. A search should reveal a fair number of sites making promises that they likely can”™t keep. Spells and incantations, that sort of thing.

One vendor assures you there”™s no “mumbo jumbo or hocus pocus” to the method offered (at a price), you won”™t get stuck in some other dimension or astral plane. While the seller eschews “reprehensible behavior” on the part of those who become invisible, an illustration shows an invisible man lifting a woman”™s skirt.

I wouldn”™t worry too much about getting stuck in some other dimension. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #16: The Cloak of Invisibility”

November 24, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #15: Which Way Is Up?

Dear Fiddler:

Aren”™t people in Australia afraid of falling off the Earth, seeing as they”™re upside down?

Arnold in Ypsilanti

Dear Arnold,

Yes. Worrying about that is why they drink so much beer. Australians are very grateful for gravity. According to a site designed for the education of young minds, gravity is the glue that holds everyone in place on Earth.

boblarkin1982-200 Gravity aside, is it a true fact that Australians are upside down? You probably don”™t think often about the meaninglessness of up and down in space terms. In space, which, surprise, is where Earth hangs out, those concepts have no meaning, nothing is up or down.

So, where are things in space? Who knows, maybe “over there“?

Well, all you have to do is look at a globe, it”™s plain as the nose on your face. People in Australia are upside down in relation to people in, say, New York City. If the Earth is a sphere, obviously Australians falling off would fall down, right?

But that has to be a mistake because to an Australian, up isn”™t down, the stars aren”™t down, they”™re up. So news reports of Australians falling off the Earth — based on observation of reliable witnesses — would have to say they fell up. To an Australian, as to intelligent people everywhere, there”™s nowhere to go but up.

Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #15: Which Way Is Up?”

November 20, 2013December 15, 2023

The Fiddle File #6

The Fiddle File #6

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Worldwide: Looking for love in Thailand? Hopefully you don”™t use the same password elsewhere.

U.S./U.K.: If your Windows system has been hit by CryptoLocker you probably aren”™t reading this. Otherwise, extreme caution is vital, this ransomware is very effective (Via Graham Cluly”™s Security Newsletter).

Vancouver: The attack-passerby-with-a-fake-axe trick gets you a nice pair of police-issue bracelets to wear all the way to jail.

Colorado: Stick a toy pistol in a cop”™s face. Luckily he doesn”™t react as some might, you”™re under arrest rather than under six feet of dirt.

England: “Night climbing“ on the roof of an 11th century world heritage site cathedral may not improve your class standing.

Continue reading “The Fiddle File #6”

November 17, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #14: Fiddler: What Really Happened to Billy Joe McAllister?

Dear Fiddler:

I”™m wondering if Billy Joe McAllister could possibly have survived his leap off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

Fran in Frisco

Dear Fran:

So, what do you figure? He crawled ashore and headed off to start a new life, somewhere far away from Choctaw Ridge? I”™m with you, for a couple of reasons. I”™ll get to that, but I have to say we face formidable opposition.

Gentryguitar-200 Based on a heap of chatter on the Internet, most people, probably rightly, take Bobbie Gentry”™s ode as a lament for the dead. One site I was looking at, there was so much gab, I quit reading. But it seemed like the whole gang there believed Billy Joe was a goner.

By the way, in the original lyric Billy is Billie. You”™ll find it spelled wrong in a lot of places that should know better.

Jumping, of course, is a popular way to get dead. Think of Paul Simon”™s “Save the Life of My Child,” or the fate of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda. Think about it, what state — other than the really flat ones — doesn”™t have a Lover”™s Leap, even several, with some tragic tale attached?

Looking back to ancient times, I”™m reminded of that noted vegetarian philosopher Empedocles who believed himself divine. He jumped into a volcano to prove it. He didn”™t reappear in human or divine form, so much for philosophy. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #14: Fiddler: What Really Happened to Billy Joe McAllister?”

October 28, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #13: That Sinking Feeling

Dear Fiddler:

What do you make of the sinkhole epidemic?

Mary in Ottumwa

Dear Mary:

Read fast, the End is at hand.

2013-03-19-sinkhole2-425

Depending on your interpretation, quite a bit of Bible prophecy refers to sinkholes. No doubt these gaping pits are sure signs of impending doom, brought down upon us by God”™s disapproval of the Kardashians, super-sized colas, and parachute pants. One inspired blogger warns that we are in times prophesied by Isaiah, when you”™ll just be moseying along and, whoa, a sinkhole opens up right under your feet.

But wait. Let”™s look at this scientifically. Surely, sinkholes are happening because of all the stuff – oil, gas, water — we”™ve extracted. It”™s causing the earth to collapse inward. Well, that may be a common sense assessment but it”™s not science. The bulk of scientific opinion claims fracking and drilling are not responsible. But folks who live where fracking and drilling have caused sinkholes tend to disagree. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #13: That Sinking Feeling”