Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler,

I”™m anxious to find a little peace and quiet someplace but my options are somewhat limited due to past actions. Any suggestions?

Edward (location redacted)

Dear Edward,

The man to see is Dennis Hope. He owns the Moon. He”™s also president of the Galactic Government, which represents landowners on the Moon and other extraterrestrial properties.

As you might imagine, there are those who say Hope is full of green cheese. There are a number of other claimants and competitors. Such as, the major nations of the world. For an overview of various national and international laws and treaties relating to the Moon, check out the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs.

You”™d probably get a nice welcome from a group of artists who have established “The Republic of the Moon.” But for the moment they don”™t appear to be colonizing, just offering exhibits, performances, workshops and other events.

Another very active group is the Luna Society, which carries on important projects such as naming a crater after Michael Jackson – whom they identify as having owned property on the moon. The Society is focused on development of Moon resources. There is a lot of titanium up there, an expensive ore due to extraction difficulties.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler,

The next presidential election is not that far off. Can you suggest any tactics to get me into the White House?

Sarah in Anchorage

Dear Sarah,

There are tunnels. But you are talking about getting elected, I assume. That will be tricky. So of course you”™ll need tricks.

The top candidates will probably spend around a billion dollars each on the next presidential election. How about, put your billion into whiskey? There don”™t appear to be any laws against voting while drunk, and it is certainly a time-honored tradition.

Speaking of the old tried and true, you could just go basic — buy votes.

I saw somewhere that politicians shell out around $50 per voter in the major elections. So, how about if you skip the ads and events and just hand out cash?

Of course, being a values kind of gal, maybe you have some reservations about handing out cash. By all means, do the honorable thing. Go with gift cards.

Gift cards worked recently in Mexico, though there was a slight problem. Thousands of bribed voters thought they were getting a grocery card worth $37.50 but it turned out to be worth only $7.50. Damn sleazy politicians, can”™t trust “˜em even to bribe you fair and square. So the citizens, now known as los indignados, complained to the media.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler,

Why are there no plums in plum pudding?

Jack in Muncie

Dear Jack,

First of all, Jack, let”™s address an underlying issue. You”™re expecting someone else to put plums in your pudding. Whoa up! This is America. If you want plums in your pudding, by golly, roll up your shirtsleeves and stuff away. Self-reliance, that”™s the spirit!

But the problem you address goes a bit deeper than plums. By modern standards, there isn”™t even any pudding in plum pudding! What I mean is, that pasty stuff you buy in the store that”™s labeled pudding.

True old-timey plum pudding is more like sausage.

The earliest consisted of minced beef or another dried meat, or fish, dried fruit, suet, sugar and oats. All that got stuffed into a pig intestine, as with haggis.

They say it”™s best not to ask how sausage is made and that probably goes for vintage pudding as well, but, for the curious, here”™s a site offering a very serious history of pudding.

Many sites and publications claim, as you say, that there are no plums in plum pudding. But, don”™t believe everything you read. I found several respectable recipes calling for plums. I”™ll mention a few in due course.

First, some history. Those olden plum puddings had interesting names, according food writer Maggie Black. She mentions white porray, joutes, charlet, cawdel fery, bukkenade, mortrews or mawmeny and the gold-and-white ‘blanc desore’. Try any of that at your local drive-through.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



The Fiddle File #8

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Los Angeles: Poor dear, is an evil curse keeping you from finding true love? No problem, for something just short of a million bucks this psychic will fix you right up. Think so?

Your Computer: The email says your package is on its way. But you didn”™t order any package. Well, better check. Nope, better not, unless you want to be phished for personal and banking info.

Atlanta: Whew, sure glad Home Depot has public restrooms. Whoa, sure hate that some jerk decorated the seats with glue.

Your Computer: You”™re active in online communities like Facebook, MySpace, Flickr and LinkedIn. Yum, scammers love you.

Everywhere: A good selection here, “The Twelve Scams of Christmas,” nefarious activities by scammers which you may encounter this season.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler,

I”™ve seen several accounts of pranks that misfired. Isn”™t pranking kind of a dangerous game?

Arlene in Cincinnati

Dear Arlene,

Pranking can be a theatric art form, raising awareness about an important issue or exposing a cultural flaw. But the epidemic taking place today, from the celebrity suite to the punk on the street, is rarely more than a subtle form of bullying. So-called pranks are often harmful, humiliating and sometimes deadly – for the prankster or the victim.

You would probably agree that death qualifies as a danger. Here are a few reports of death by pranking.

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Given the terrors of today”™s environment, I get the jitters in airports, schools, shopping malls, and on city streets. I would like to know how to become invisible.

Phil in Ashville

Dear Phil,

You and what army.

As you probably guessed, the U.S. Army.

But they haven”™t quite got it down yet. The current state of the art is theoretical and mainly involves camouflaging troops and weapons to avoid electronic detection.

So it looks you”™re gonna have to go with hoodoo and voodoo. A search should reveal a fair number of sites making promises that they likely can”™t keep. Spells and incantations, that sort of thing.

One vendor assures you there”™s no “mumbo jumbo or hocus pocus” to the method offered (at a price), you won”™t get stuck in some other dimension or astral plane. While the seller eschews “reprehensible behavior” on the part of those who become invisible, an illustration shows an invisible man lifting a woman”™s skirt.

I wouldn”™t worry too much about getting stuck in some other dimension. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Aren”™t people in Australia afraid of falling off the Earth, seeing as they”™re upside down?

Arnold in Ypsilanti

Dear Arnold,

Yes. Worrying about that is why they drink so much beer. Australians are very grateful for gravity. According to a site designed for the education of young minds, gravity is the glue that holds everyone in place on Earth.

Gravity aside, is it a true fact that Australians are upside down? You probably don”™t think often about the meaninglessness of up and down in space terms. In space, which, surprise, is where Earth hangs out, those concepts have no meaning, nothing is up or down.

So, where are things in space? Who knows, maybe “over there“?

Well, all you have to do is look at a globe, it”™s plain as the nose on your face. People in Australia are upside down in relation to people in, say, New York City. If the Earth is a sphere, obviously Australians falling off would fall down, right?

But that has to be a mistake because to an Australian, up isn”™t down, the stars aren”™t down, they”™re up. So news reports of Australians falling off the Earth — based on observation of reliable witnesses — would have to say they fell up. To an Australian, as to intelligent people everywhere, there”™s nowhere to go but up.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



The Fiddle File #6

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Worldwide: Looking for love in Thailand? Hopefully you don”™t use the same password elsewhere.

U.S./U.K.: If your Windows system has been hit by CryptoLocker you probably aren”™t reading this. Otherwise, extreme caution is vital, this ransomware is very effective (Via Graham Cluly”™s Security Newsletter).

Vancouver: The attack-passerby-with-a-fake-axe trick gets you a nice pair of police-issue bracelets to wear all the way to jail.

Colorado: Stick a toy pistol in a cop”™s face. Luckily he doesn”™t react as some might, you”™re under arrest rather than under six feet of dirt.

England: “Night climbing“ on the roof of an 11th century world heritage site cathedral may not improve your class standing.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

I”™m wondering if Billy Joe McAllister could possibly have survived his leap off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

Fran in Frisco

Dear Fran:

So, what do you figure? He crawled ashore and headed off to start a new life, somewhere far away from Choctaw Ridge? I”™m with you, for a couple of reasons. I”™ll get to that, but I have to say we face formidable opposition.

Based on a heap of chatter on the Internet, most people, probably rightly, take Bobbie Gentry”™s ode as a lament for the dead. One site I was looking at, there was so much gab, I quit reading. But it seemed like the whole gang there believed Billy Joe was a goner.

By the way, in the original lyric Billy is Billie. You”™ll find it spelled wrong in a lot of places that should know better.

Jumping, of course, is a popular way to get dead. Think of Paul Simon”™s “Save the Life of My Child,” or the fate of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda. Think about it, what state — other than the really flat ones — doesn”™t have a Lover”™s Leap, even several, with some tragic tale attached?

Looking back to ancient times, I”™m reminded of that noted vegetarian philosopher Empedocles who believed himself divine. He jumped into a volcano to prove it. He didn”™t reappear in human or divine form, so much for philosophy. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

What do you make of the sinkhole epidemic?

Mary in Ottumwa

Dear Mary:

Read fast, the End is at hand.

Depending on your interpretation, quite a bit of Bible prophecy refers to sinkholes. No doubt these gaping pits are sure signs of impending doom, brought down upon us by God”™s disapproval of the Kardashians, super-sized colas, and parachute pants. One inspired blogger warns that we are in times prophesied by Isaiah, when you”™ll just be moseying along and, whoa, a sinkhole opens up right under your feet.

But wait. Let”™s look at this scientifically. Surely, sinkholes are happening because of all the stuff – oil, gas, water — we”™ve extracted. It”™s causing the earth to collapse inward. Well, that may be a common sense assessment but it”™s not science. The bulk of scientific opinion claims fracking and drilling are not responsible. But folks who live where fracking and drilling have caused sinkholes tend to disagree. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Much as I appreciate a holiday in honor of Columbus, I”™ve seen reports that he may be getting undeserved credit. So, who discovered America?

Annie in Montpelier

Dear Annie:

This is a subject steeped in considerable controversy.

There are those who contend that the real problem is, the whole thing is taught back-asswards. The truth of the matter is, as these contrarians see it, Native Americans discovered Europe. We”™ll delve deeper into that matter in a bit, but first let”™s have a look at some other contenders for the exploit attributed to Columbus.

It might be worth noting that boats without motors can be unpredictable vehicles. Over the vast expanse of human time, wouldn”™t you suspect that a great many drifiting boats from afar inadvertently “discovered” America?

Further, there is the factor that might be called the macho double-dare. “Buddy, I”™ll bet you ten conch shells and a bucket of whale blubber the world ain”™t flat.” How many reckless young sailors set off to see what lay beyond the horizon?

And we can”™t discount greed, the search for riches.

Lastly there is the incentive provided by barbaric hordes coming over the hill. How often in the violent history of mankind was it time to pack your shit and git, possibly sailing off for parts unknown?

The thing is, dang near everybody discovered America. A bit of research will reveal that, whatever your heritage, you can probably make a claim of relatedness to a discoverer of America. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

I”™ve been reading about the health benefits of ingesting pee. The reports are mixed. What”™s your analysis?

Vera in Pascagoula

Dear Vera:

You”™re probably sitting there wondering what ingestion of urine has to do with flying reindeer. Well, we will get to that. But first let”™s look at the pros and cons.

I”™ll have to admit, Vera, I”™m kind of into alternative health stuff. If Deepak Chopra or Dr. Oz say “try it,” sign me up. But, honestly, if Dr. Oz announced that his next segment was going to be on the health benefits of drinking piss, I”™m pretty sure I”™d flip over and watch some more Cops re-runs.

The way I figure it, Mother Nature spent a hell of a long time designing a remarkable creature so efficient that it can dominate and wreck a perfectly good planet. Of course I”™m talking about us, human beings. And that design doesn”™t consider urine a keeper. We”™re engineered to get rid of the stuff, when ya gotta go ya gotta go. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

A friend has purchased a painting he claims was done by a dog. It”™s nothing great, but still “¦ I think he was scammed. Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Walt in Albuquerque

Dear Walt,

A dog that paints pictures? Come on. It takes forever to get a mutt to sit, or quit chewing pillows, or keep its nose out of interesting roadside crap. Who could possibly believe dogs have artistic capabilities?

But then again. Look at it from the dog”™s point of view. Would Leonardo do a chapel ceiling for a biscuit? Do you think Picasso would even pick up a brush knowing his masterpiece would earn nothing more than a chewy stick? Forget it. No smart dog is going to all that trouble for a cheap treat.

Well, a few, maybe.

Believe it or not, some dogs turn out paintings that sell for big bucks, a thousand and more. There is even a kit for owners who want to see if Jack Russell is the next Jackson Pollock. In several cases I noticed, profits go to support worthy causes. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Is there any validity to the Roadkill Diet or is it just another prank?

Susie in Seattle

Dear Susie,

From what I”™ve read, the Roadkill Diet is a very effective weight-loss regimen. The author of a book on the subject, nutritionist Newton Garfield, lost an amazing 75 lbs. in three months, existing on delicacies such as scrambled egg white with armadillo brains, or squirrel noodle salad.

It has been suggested that weight loss may be due to aversion, that is to say, dieters would rather starve than eat roadkill. True, there seem to be legitimate concerns about the safety of eating animals found dead on the road. However, Garfield states: “If you aren”™t immediately sickened by the odor, odds are it”™s safe to eat.”

Regrettably, I have been unable to locate a copy of the recipe book and so cannot provide advice to the chef for preparation of owl curry or skunk stew. Other cookbooks exist, but they do not take the matter seriously.

Viewed statistically, there is no question that roadkill could be a major source of sustenance for many of us in this country. This is, after all, America, the land of bountiful abundance. We have a whole lot of roadkill. It is estimated that over one million animals die every day on our roads. (more…)

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler: Is it possible to make a career of pranking?

Vinnie in Cleveland

Dear Vinnie,

Of course it is. Fame and fortune await. Just get your mojo working. Need help? You”™ll want to send for my informative booklet, “How to Prank Your Bank.” And, then, you”™ll want to be prepared to spend five or ten years behind bars if something goes wrong.

To be practical, though, possible doesn”™t mean probable. And pranking has a whole crazy carnival of meanings, as a look through the index here at Art of the Prank indicates.

So the wiser choice might be to consider pranking as a secondary calling. Establish yourself on some more respectable platform from which to leap. There are pathways through art, theater, literature and a host of other professions.

Personally, I favor archaeology and anthropology.

(more…)