Category: Satire

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day 14 & 15

Dear Diary,

Day 14
I mean just because I”m rich and famous and people look up to me doesn”t mean I HAVE to be a role model! I mean GOD! Why can”t they just let me go? I promise I won”t tell. I”m way out of my comfort zone right now. This guy, Bill who is like this synchronicity expert or something, said that God has a design and that everything happens for a reason. Well, if there is a God, I wouldn”t be here in the Lynwood correctional facility! Personally I think it”s just an energy force that we create ourselves and what we put out comes back and I guess I must”ve pissed some one off because they put me in here! Who ever you are, thanks a fucking lot! From now on you are spam to me!

Day 15
I feel terrible, my little sister Nicky is so freaked. Totally freaking out. She is really really sad about me being here, and can”t handle it cos it”s like being in the movies because of the jumpsuit and glass wall. And even I can”t pull off this much orange. But she had the coolest idea, because jails are sooo bad and oogy that they really need some funding to make them better so she is inspired to start a charity to make jails nicer. So I feel better about this whole stupid thing now. Maybe that synchronicity guy was right. There is a reason for everything. But I”m really really pissed off about missing Barbara”s unveiling of her start on the Hollywood walk of fame. That totally sucks ass. I can”t believe I couldn”t get out just for that, I mean how many times does that happen, huh? Like NEVER for you losers!

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day 12 & 13

Dear Diary,

Day 12
Libby is going to jail too! I don”t feel so alone. I guess if you are famous jail is the new black. Scooter isn”t really “famous famous” he”s just a politician. Seems like a lot of them are going to the slammer these days. Oh well. At least he won”t have that BDB for a guard like me. And it”s really really unfair that I have to serve more time than the regular criminals! There is like a jihad against celebrity in this world I swear. So not fair. Like Princess Diana was killed for pissing off the Queen by dating that guy who like, owned Harrods?! and Barbaro was killed cos he was really really fast. OMG I fear for my life! I swear I sit in the corner of my room waiting for the next brick to fall but I can”t do anything about it cos they won”t even let me have a nail file. As you can see I”m pretty depressed right now, and they had the nerve to move me back into the normal jail. It”s so not fair! My feet are so gross and they won”t let me get a pedicure! I can”t take it anymore! Mommy!

Day 13
Yeah it”s visiting day! I look forward to Saturday like more than anything I”ve ever looked forward to in my whole life, even my trips to the spa. Which if I stop to think about it a day at the spa really means a day in the mud. Why are all beauty treatments so gross? It”s so cute, fans are making these Paris cupcakes with a popsickle stick made into a file stuck in side. Is that darling or what? Sooo Elliot, even though I”m mad at him for everything right now and want to scratch his eyes out. Mom and Dad said I”m doing great and that I”ll get out early for good behavior.

Thanks FreakingNews

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day 11

Dear Diary,

I am paying more attention, really, because, I was like watching this bug, I think it was a fly, because it was flying and I watched for like hours as it flew in circles around my room. Although it was more like a square because it was flying and hitting these imaginary corners so it was more square like. So, see? I am paying attention, right? It felt kinda like a K hole, meditative, you know? But with no drugs involved, was really weird but cool because it”s so much better for you to get high with out the drugs, right? I mean especially for the complexion. I think E makes me break out. So I am really thankful to the fly for making me realize this and then I squished it with my prison flip flop cos they”re nasty and carry germs and stuff. And then I felt all oogy and bad for killing the fly. I mean it is a living thing, even though they”re gross, right? So now I feel crummy. Sometimes paying attention is a real bring down. Like the pandas dying in the zoos, they are soooo cute, I mean that is like so SO sad. Bummed me right out. And then I read about the Koala bears having lesbian orgies in the zoos, I mean what is going on in those zoos?? Hey Joey baby, think about it, Koala”s gone wild!

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Days 8 thru 10

Dear Diary,

Day 8
I think I figured out why the bull dyke bitch is such a well, you know, bitch? She told me that it costs something like ten times more money to put some one in the medical ward, well sure. It”s much nicer, the rooms are sunnier and the colors go with my complexion, I”m a winter. But you”d think that for $1,109.78 a day you”d at least get a massage! Oh and this woman from the ACLU was snooping around and was complaining that this ward is for people worse off than me. Who could be worse than me right now??!! And I signed all those petitions for their causes. I”m marking stuff from the ACLU as spam from now on! So it seems my handlers really liked the me being more spiritual and turning to God. So I guess I have to run with that for a little while. Has anyone ever read that Bible? It”s fucking huge and from what I can tell full of clichés!

Day 9
Saw mom and dad today. Nearly caused a riot outside, supposedly they got special treatment and were rushed passed the line. Well DUH, of course they get the royal treatment cos they”re, you know, Hiltons? I mean come on. I mean please, if we were all really equal then I wouldn”t even be here! No there is a human need that is in the DNA spiral thingy to create idols. Like the Greek myths and all, up to Marilyn Monroe alright? Continue reading “Paris finds God in jail”