Category: Satire

Submitted by Marcy LaViollette for pirates who’d like their own version of the iPhone:

The rPhone, by Captain Drew, combines three delightfully diverse products into one awkward and cumbersome handheld contraption — a revolutionary steam-powered satellite phone, a stylish French musicbox, and a vibrasonic multi-purpose tool that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a Sonic Screwdriver. rPhone is the first portable telephone constructed of materials you’ve come to associate with progressive technology… from its exquisite rosewood paneling to the handsome brass frame, it shouts “This is the 18th century!” and “Gee, this thing sure is heavy!” and “What do you mean it costs $20,000??”. Rest assured this is one phone you’ll never lose in a pocket (unless you have extremely fancy pants m’lord!) and best of all, rPhone provides an analogue interface that even the simplest of simpletons (like you! m’lord!) can comprehend! No more confusing menu screens or complicated keystrokes, rPhone is built for space pirates on the go!

For more information, visit PiratePalooza.com

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog reports from the red carpet at the 2007 Tony Awards. (Excerpted from the Conan O’Brien Show)

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Days 19 – 23

Dear Diary,

Day 19
So I finally read about my case, OMG I really shouldn”t have been driving. Elliot so should have told me, well louder than he did cos wow, you are so not allowed to drive if your license is suspended, unless it”s for work and all. As my friend Brittany would say, “OOOPs I did again”¦” So like I read a little more, you know? And there are sooo many laws out there I”m surprised that everyone isn”t in jail right now. I mean like EVERYBODY, cos it”s like impossible not to be breaking some kinda law somewhere, even Ghandi or that other guy who isn”t dead, the Lama guy? I bet ya even he has broken some kinda law. And I know most of the Bush administration has broken laws that”s for sure. So like if the guys in charge of making sure that the laws are followed aren”t even doing it, like why should I? It”s really not fair. Maybe Nicky and I can start another charity about making the world a fairer place. I mean if we were really all equal wouldn”t that be great? Well except for Juanita who cleans the house, sorry honey. Oh and Pedro the pool Guy and Elliot, even tho he thinks he”s equal, but dream on fuckwad!

Ok so I”ve heard that there is some irony of me being in jail. I thought Irony was when you eat spinach and it”s good for you cos it has iron and shit in it, but you get it stuck in your teeth and that looks like ass then that is irony.

Day 20
Now I can”t get paid for an interview!!? I am so PO”ed. I mean what? How am I supposed to cash in like OJ! Continue reading “Paris: “I’ve changed. No, really.””

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day 18

Dear Diary,

OMG I just don’t know who to give my post prison interview to! It’s a bidding war out there. I’ll make million easy from just one lousy interview. You know this jailbird thing is really paying off. Then there’s the book and the movie. Eliot was right, this is a good career move. Just like when Elvis died. Oh and I lost weight! I was feeling fat so I stopped eating and like over night lost the fat. The food here pretty much sucks ass. Sometimes they let me order in, but not if it gets me fat. I am so psyched to get out of the slammer, I’m counting the days, cos I can now, just a few left. IF I get out for good behavior. Which I have been very good. No partying, or hanky panky, I mean with who? Definately not with the BDB guard!! She told me I need to gain weight! What is wrong with her?? It’s really weird you know? I have never been so alone and by myself, this is like the biggest time out ever. And I have been thinking, I mean really rolling a few things around in my head, so that should make that prick of a judge happy. It’s like having to focus, for a while on one thing so it really sinks in. I can’t wait to see my dogs, I forgot about them and now I miss Tinkerbell 3 or is it 4?

Exclusive for ArtofthePrank.com! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day 16 & 17

Dear Diary,

Day 16
Ok so like they have found jewelry from a real real long time ago, like a hundred thousand years ago, like way back when the human race was just beginning there were baubles and stuff. I think that is sooo cool cos that proves that the superficiality that I”m accused of has been going on for one hundred thousand years, so like way before me, OK? I know that the dumb act is old after 25, and I”m working on it, which is why I”m paying attention and all, like how I found about the old beads and I connected the dots and all. I read it in the Media, you got that? The “Feral Media”, so it isn”t all bad if you can actually learn something, right? I think the press is bad when they tell lies because that”s not fair to us the readers cos how will we know? I mean when I lie I know it, and same with other people like the vice president, you can see it in their eyes, but when you READ it and it”s a lie, you can”t see the writer”s eyes. So it”s, you know, complicated, so no more “manipulation of the truth” OK? Promise? Wouldn”t that be great if I could use my fame to stop the world from lying?

Day 17
Nicky has raised some money for her pretty prison charity. Well enough to get some antimacassars for the rec room sofa and some vases that can be bolted down so there are fresh cut flowers. Seems everything has to be bolted down here cos some of the girls here have anger management issues. There is this one girl, I swear she has no teeth, so not hot. I guess roses are out cos they have bitey thorns, maybe some daisies? They are probably safe. Continue reading “Paris ponders”