Paris: “I’ve changed. No, really.”

Filed under: Satire

Exclusive for! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Days 19 – 23

Dear Diary, 19
So I finally read about my case, OMG I really shouldn’t have been driving. Elliot so should have told me, well louder than he did cos wow, you are so not allowed to drive if your license is suspended, unless it’s for work and all. As my friend Brittany would say, “OOOPs I did again…” So like I read a little more, you know? And there are sooo many laws out there I’m surprised that everyone isn’t in jail right now. I mean like EVERYBODY, cos it’s like impossible not to be breaking some kinda law somewhere, even Ghandi or that other guy who isn’t dead, the Lama guy? I bet ya even he has broken some kinda law. And I know most of the Bush administration has broken laws that’s for sure. So like if the guys in charge of making sure that the laws are followed aren’t even doing it, like why should I? It’s really not fair. Maybe Nicky and I can start another charity about making the world a fairer place. I mean if we were really all equal wouldn’t that be great? Well except for Juanita who cleans the house, sorry honey. Oh and Pedro the pool Guy and Elliot, even tho he thinks he’s equal, but dream on fuckwad!

Ok so I’ve heard that there is some irony of me being in jail. I thought Irony was when you eat spinach and it’s good for you cos it has iron and shit in it, but you get it stuck in your teeth and that looks like ass then that is irony.

Day 20
Now I can’t get paid for an interview!!? I am so PO’ed. I mean what? How am I supposed to cash in like OJ! 3 more days! 3 more days! 3 more days! I hope, I hope. I so need a facial!

Day 21
I’m withering away…. Need some sort of stimulus, can’t take much more of this introspection.

Day 22
OMG! What am I gonna wear tomorrow?? I need some makeup smuggled in one of those Paris cupcakes. Remember I’m a winter!!

Day 23
Ok, I’m so outta here and for my exiting outfit I decided on a repentant sage blazer over a simple white tank and dark jeans so I wouldn’t attract too much attention. No really, I am cured of a need for media circus. I spent so much time curled up in the corner of my solitary cell feeling sorry for myself that I think I learned something, OK? And then I find out these guys are going through my trash and selling it on ebay! I mean that is just too much interest in me, don’t you think? And so gross! So I am cured, really really cured of media hype. Larry King is my big interview, he bumped that fat guy who just did another documentary that pisses off a lot of my parents friends. I was hoping for something a little more glamorous for prisoner # 9818783. I mean Larry isn’t very hot you know? Whatev.

photo credit: Light as a Feather Thin as a Rail