Ask The Fiddler - The Art of the Prank

December 30, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #19: Electile Dysfunction

fiddler-75 Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler,

The next presidential election is not that far off. Can you suggest any tactics to get me into the White House?

Sarah in Anchorage

Dear Sarah,

There are tunnels. But you are talking about getting elected, I assume. That will be tricky. So of course you”™ll need tricks.

Sarah Palin The top candidates will probably spend around a billion dollars each on the next presidential election. How about, put your billion into whiskey? There don”™t appear to be any laws against voting while drunk, and it is certainly a time-honored tradition.

Speaking of the old tried and true, you could just go basic — buy votes.

I saw somewhere that politicians shell out around $50 per voter in the major elections. So, how about if you skip the ads and events and just hand out cash?

Of course, being a values kind of gal, maybe you have some reservations about handing out cash. By all means, do the honorable thing. Go with gift cards.

Gift cards worked recently in Mexico, though there was a slight problem. Thousands of bribed voters thought they were getting a grocery card worth $37.50 but it turned out to be worth only $7.50. Damn sleazy politicians, can”™t trust “˜em even to bribe you fair and square. So the citizens, now known as los indignados, complained to the media.

Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #19: Electile Dysfunction”

December 20, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #18: Plum Pudding

Dear Fiddler,

Why are there no plums in plum pudding?

Jack in Muncie

Dear Jack,

First of all, Jack, let”™s address an underlying issue. You”™re expecting someone else to put plums in your pudding. Whoa up! This is America. If you want plums in your pudding, by golly, roll up your shirtsleeves and stuff away. Self-reliance, that”™s the spirit!

But the problem you address goes a bit deeper than plums. By modern standards, there isn”™t even any pudding in plum pudding! What I mean is, that pasty stuff you buy in the store that”™s labeled pudding.

pudding-funnel True old-timey plum pudding is more like sausage.

The earliest consisted of minced beef or another dried meat, or fish, dried fruit, suet, sugar and oats. All that got stuffed into a pig intestine, as with haggis.

They say it”™s best not to ask how sausage is made and that probably goes for vintage pudding as well, but, for the curious, here”™s a site offering a very serious history of pudding.

Many sites and publications claim, as you say, that there are no plums in plum pudding. But, don”™t believe everything you read. I found several respectable recipes calling for plums. I”™ll mention a few in due course.

First, some history. Those olden plum puddings had interesting names, according food writer Maggie Black. She mentions white porray, joutes, charlet, cawdel fery, bukkenade, mortrews or mawmeny and the gold-and-white ‘blanc desore’. Try any of that at your local drive-through.

Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #18: Plum Pudding”

December 20, 2013December 15, 2023

Fiddle File #8

The Fiddle File #8

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Los Angeles: Poor dear, is an evil curse keeping you from finding true love? No problem, for something just short of a million bucks this psychic will fix you right up. Think so?

Your Computer: The email says your package is on its way. But you didn”™t order any package. Well, better check. Nope, better not, unless you want to be phished for personal and banking info.

Atlanta: Whew, sure glad Home Depot has public restrooms. Whoa, sure hate that some jerk decorated the seats with glue.

Your Computer: You”™re active in online communities like Facebook, MySpace, Flickr and LinkedIn. Yum, scammers love you.

Everywhere: A good selection here, “The Twelve Scams of Christmas,” nefarious activities by scammers which you may encounter this season.

Continue reading “Fiddle File #8”

December 13, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #17: Pranked to Death

Dear Fiddler,

I”™ve seen several accounts of pranks that misfired. Isn”™t pranking kind of a dangerous game?

Arlene in Cincinnati

Dear Arlene,

human-combustion-200 Pranking can be a theatric art form, raising awareness about an important issue or exposing a cultural flaw. But the epidemic taking place today, from the celebrity suite to the punk on the street, is rarely more than a subtle form of bullying. So-called pranks are often harmful, humiliating and sometimes deadly – for the prankster or the victim.

You would probably agree that death qualifies as a danger. Here are a few reports of death by pranking.

Given the media coverage, you are probably quite aware of the sad case of Jacintha Saldanha, the India-born nurse who committed suicide after being pranked by Australian radio personalities. The Daily Mail has a site aggregating all stories so far.

In the realm of juvenile pranks, there is a report where the joker in the back seat pulled the strings on the driver”™s bikini top. She tried to cover herself, losing control. The joker died in the crash.

A 16 year old Kentucky youngster hanged himself accidentally pulling a Halloween prank.

Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #17: Pranked to Death”

December 5, 2013December 15, 2023

Ask The Fiddler #16: The Cloak of Invisibility

Dear Fiddler:

Given the terrors of today”™s environment, I get the jitters in airports, schools, shopping malls, and on city streets. I would like to know how to become invisible.

Phil in Ashville

Dear Phil,

You and what army.

As you probably guessed, the U.S. Army.

invisible tank But they haven”™t quite got it down yet. The current state of the art is theoretical and mainly involves camouflaging troops and weapons to avoid electronic detection.

So it looks you”™re gonna have to go with hoodoo and voodoo. A search should reveal a fair number of sites making promises that they likely can”™t keep. Spells and incantations, that sort of thing.

One vendor assures you there”™s no “mumbo jumbo or hocus pocus” to the method offered (at a price), you won”™t get stuck in some other dimension or astral plane. While the seller eschews “reprehensible behavior” on the part of those who become invisible, an illustration shows an invisible man lifting a woman”™s skirt.

I wouldn”™t worry too much about getting stuck in some other dimension. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #16: The Cloak of Invisibility”