Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler,

The next presidential election is not that far off. Can you suggest any tactics to get me into the White House?

Sarah in Anchorage

Dear Sarah,

There are tunnels. But you are talking about getting elected, I assume. That will be tricky. So of course you”™ll need tricks.

The top candidates will probably spend around a billion dollars each on the next presidential election. How about, put your billion into whiskey? There don”™t appear to be any laws against voting while drunk, and it is certainly a time-honored tradition.

Speaking of the old tried and true, you could just go basic — buy votes.

I saw somewhere that politicians shell out around $50 per voter in the major elections. So, how about if you skip the ads and events and just hand out cash?

Of course, being a values kind of gal, maybe you have some reservations about handing out cash. By all means, do the honorable thing. Go with gift cards.

Gift cards worked recently in Mexico, though there was a slight problem. Thousands of bribed voters thought they were getting a grocery card worth $37.50 but it turned out to be worth only $7.50. Damn sleazy politicians, can”™t trust “˜em even to bribe you fair and square. So the citizens, now known as los indignados, complained to the media.

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Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Aren”™t people in Australia afraid of falling off the Earth, seeing as they”™re upside down?

Arnold in Ypsilanti

Dear Arnold,

Yes. Worrying about that is why they drink so much beer. Australians are very grateful for gravity. According to a site designed for the education of young minds, gravity is the glue that holds everyone in place on Earth.

Gravity aside, is it a true fact that Australians are upside down? You probably don”™t think often about the meaninglessness of up and down in space terms. In space, which, surprise, is where Earth hangs out, those concepts have no meaning, nothing is up or down.

So, where are things in space? Who knows, maybe “over there“?

Well, all you have to do is look at a globe, it”™s plain as the nose on your face. People in Australia are upside down in relation to people in, say, New York City. If the Earth is a sphere, obviously Australians falling off would fall down, right?

But that has to be a mistake because to an Australian, up isn”™t down, the stars aren”™t down, they”™re up. So news reports of Australians falling off the Earth — based on observation of reliable witnesses — would have to say they fell up. To an Australian, as to intelligent people everywhere, there”™s nowhere to go but up.

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Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



The Fiddle File #6

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Worldwide: Looking for love in Thailand? Hopefully you don”™t use the same password elsewhere.

U.S./U.K.: If your Windows system has been hit by CryptoLocker you probably aren”™t reading this. Otherwise, extreme caution is vital, this ransomware is very effective (Via Graham Cluly”™s Security Newsletter).

Vancouver: The attack-passerby-with-a-fake-axe trick gets you a nice pair of police-issue bracelets to wear all the way to jail.

Colorado: Stick a toy pistol in a cop”™s face. Luckily he doesn”™t react as some might, you”™re under arrest rather than under six feet of dirt.

England: “Night climbing“ on the roof of an 11th century world heritage site cathedral may not improve your class standing.

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Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



The Fiddle File #3

Here we go with another madcap roundup of hoaxes, scams and damn fool idiocy making the rounds these days. Take heed. Some of these fiddles may soon be showing up on your computer, phone or even up close and personal. Check it out:

Maine: Free groceries if you”™re over sixty. Whoops, sorry, no free lunch, just hustlers phishing for personal info.

Everywhere: It”™s called “pet-flipping.” Your dog is lost or stolen. Watch for it for sale on Craigslist and probably other classifieds.

Kansas: Pranksters toilet paper this guy”™s house, he isn”™t happy, shotguns the neighborhood.

Florida, California, Arizona, etc.: This one is called “swoop and squat,” the auto in front of you jams on the brakes, the one behind collides with you. One of several collision scams.

China: Fabricate a terrorist threat, win up to five years in a Chinese jail that probably lacks the comforts of home.

California: The water company employee needs to check your house for pollution. Hint: The public water company isn”™t responsible for checking water problems inside your home.

Everywhere: You search for sites featuring Lily Collins. Your reward? A computer loaded with malware. Other dangerous searches noted by McAfee security firm, in order: Avril Lavigne, Sandra Bullock, Kathy Griffith, Zoe Saldana, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Jon Hamm, Adriana Lima and Emma Roberts.

Spotted a hoax or scam deserving mention in our next roundup? We”™d be happy to hear from you at Art of the Prank. You might save some reader a heap of hurting (or give them wild ideas for their next fiddle).

Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.



Dear Fiddler:

Is there any validity to the Roadkill Diet or is it just another prank?

Susie in Seattle

Dear Susie,

From what I”™ve read, the Roadkill Diet is a very effective weight-loss regimen. The author of a book on the subject, nutritionist Newton Garfield, lost an amazing 75 lbs. in three months, existing on delicacies such as scrambled egg white with armadillo brains, or squirrel noodle salad.

It has been suggested that weight loss may be due to aversion, that is to say, dieters would rather starve than eat roadkill. True, there seem to be legitimate concerns about the safety of eating animals found dead on the road. However, Garfield states: “If you aren”™t immediately sickened by the odor, odds are it”™s safe to eat.”

Regrettably, I have been unable to locate a copy of the recipe book and so cannot provide advice to the chef for preparation of owl curry or skunk stew. Other cookbooks exist, but they do not take the matter seriously.

Viewed statistically, there is no question that roadkill could be a major source of sustenance for many of us in this country. This is, after all, America, the land of bountiful abundance. We have a whole lot of roadkill. It is estimated that over one million animals die every day on our roads. (more…)

Editor’s Note: We often receive questions on a variety of prank-hoax-scam related topics. Readers want an assessment of the validity of news reports or web site information, or they suspect a received email is a scam. Some are looking for moral or immoral support for their prank ideas. So, we are pleased to provide a new service, Ask The Fiddler, a lifestyle advice column that may remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.

Dear Fiddler:

Now that the U.S. mission is accomplished and all is peaceful in Afghanistan, my friend and I want to head over there to do some bird-watching. Do you have any suggestions to make our trip more enjoyable?

Phil in Pennsylvania.

Dear Phil,

An intriguing choice of destination. As it turns out, the Afghans have a similar hobby. It”™s called drone-watching.

You may want to do just a tad more research regarding your notion that the U.S. is leaving under tranquil conditions. Let”™s say for the sake of tourism risk analysis that a range of one to ten starts at 1) “a picnic,” and concludes at 10) “you must be nuts.” Afghanistan is an 11.

More on that later.

Likely you want to know what kind of birds to watch. May I suggest a notable local resident, the Hoopoe, also known as Upupa Epops.

Readily identified by its crown of feathers, it can also be recognized by it peculiar call, “oop-oop-oop.”

Among distinguishing characteristics of the Hoopoe is its ability to direct a stream of feces at a predator.

True fact.

But let”™s talk about your plan in general. (more…)