Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.
Dear Fiddler,
The next presidential election is not that far off. Can you suggest any tactics to get me into the White House?
Sarah in Anchorage
Dear Sarah,
There are tunnels. But you are talking about getting elected, I assume. That will be tricky. So of course you”ll need tricks.
The top candidates will probably spend around a billion dollars each on the next presidential election. How about, put your billion into whiskey? There don”t appear to be any laws against voting while drunk, and it is certainly a time-honored tradition.
Speaking of the old tried and true, you could just go basic — buy votes.
I saw somewhere that politicians shell out around $50 per voter in the major elections. So, how about if you skip the ads and events and just hand out cash?
Of course, being a values kind of gal, maybe you have some reservations about handing out cash. By all means, do the honorable thing. Go with gift cards.
Gift cards worked recently in Mexico, though there was a slight problem. Thousands of bribed voters thought they were getting a grocery card worth $37.50 but it turned out to be worth only $7.50. Damn sleazy politicians, can”t trust “˜em even to bribe you fair and square. So the citizens, now known as los indignados, complained to the media.
Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #19: Electile Dysfunction”
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