Paris is burning

Filed under: Satire

Exclusive for! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Days 1 thru 7

Dear Diary,

www.glitzblog.comDay 1
it’s Monday, my first day, and I can tell you Jail sucks. I mean I’m sorry and all for whatever they said I did. I mean I was just getting a damn burger, since when is that a crime??? I hate It here. And I’m freaking out cos they just told me that I can only use the phone for something like an hour, and I have to call collect, which I never did before. Weird? and I have to use a regular phone that other people touch and stuff! And they said there’d be no torture! I hate this place. If I’d a known all this I would never have come. I can’t wait to leave. I can’t believe I’m allowed one stupid hour on line! At least I can cram in some shopping but man this is like so killing me. How could they put ME in here? I have something like 167699 myspace friends, I mean come on, doesn’t that count for something?

Day 2
I broke a nail

Day 3
Ican’tfuckingtakeitanymore!!!! I told the judge that from now on I’ll pay attention to everything and I am, I really am. But the problem is that I have too much time to think. I’m freakin’ I really am. I see how shallow my whole life has been, totally caught up in the consumerism and illusions of celebrity and now that I am forced to look inward I see how each breath I take is a gift and that life is precious and how from now on I’m gonna totally look at life differently.
I just re-read this and it’s pretty clear I’m going crazy!! HELP ME!!

Day 4
I’m home, I am so so glad to be out of that rat infested damp cell.Actully I think the walls were sheet rock cos I could hear the girl next door freakin out. But whatever. I got off because I have something called a malady or syndrome. I am deeply afflicted with claustrophobia syndrome or something like that. But whatever I’m home, in my room and oops there goes my phone again.

Day 5
They came and got me! I swear I hate the justice system here in America. I am so mad at the president! But guess what? I freaked out so good that they put me in the mental ward. And now I get all kinds of drugs, pretty cool huh? I don’t even care that I broke two more nails in my freakout.

Day 6
I just wanna dye. My BFF is throwing a pool party and I can’t go. I wanna die!! Whenever I yell that they give me more drugs.

Day 7
I really hate that judge. I swear when I get out of here I’m going to have the whole bench set on fire. You wanna hear the coolest? I called my mom collect cos I get like one phone call now, and guess who she was on the other line with? Barbara Walters, can you believe so she put us on a three way I got interviewed and there was nothing they could do about it! From the pokey no less. I’m learning new words, even though I don’t talk to anyone really. The guard is a real bitch bull dyke I know it. Anyway I found myself saying things like God has put me here for a reason and that I’ll stop the dumb act. Barbara is sooo good and doin’ stuff.