Tuscan Whole Milk: A Rare Find on Amazon.com

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Filed under: Parody

Tuscan Milk: For That Price, It Better Be Made with Real Tuscans
by Jim Ridley
Nashville Scene, Fun and Games
May, 14 2009

tuscan-200Mail-order groceries have always made me a little leery–especially when perishables such as dairy products are involved. But now you can get the great taste of farm fresh milk delivered to your door with the customer satisfaction you expect from Amazon.com…for the low, low price of $2,500. [Editor’s note: At press time, the price has been lowered to $999.99]

This testimonial should seal the deal:

One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk. I always find it important to taste milk using high-quality stemware — this is milk deserving of something better than a Flintstones plastic tumbler. One should pour just a small dollop and swirl it in the glass — note the coating and look for clots or discoloration. And the color — it should be opaque, and very, very white. Now, immerse your nose in the glass and take a whiff. Tuscan transports you instantly to scenic hill towns in central Italy (is that Montepulciano I detect?) — there is the loamy clay, the green grass of summer days, the towering cypress. And those gentle hints of Italian flowers — wild orchids, sunflowers, poppies. Then, one takes in the thick liquid and lets it roll across and under the tongue — what is that? perhaps a hint of a nutty Edam cheese? With Tuscan, you feel the love of every dairyperson involved — from the somewhat sad and deranged farmhand shovelling steaming cowpies to the bored union milk maiden dreaming of leaving this soul crushing life behind for a job waiting tables for obnoxious American tourists in Siena. But not too fast — sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture and its terroir, but — if chilled too long — also of giving oneself a blinding ice cream headache. Nay, savor the goodness that only dairymen and dairywomen working at the apex of their craft can deliver. Tuscan is best drunk young — no, no, don’t cellar this gem — I guarantee you’ll be sorry if you do. I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.

Please, please do yourself a favor–pour a tall cold glass of something white and opaque and spend a few minutes perusing some of the most helpful customer reviews ever written. “Be advised this product comes in only one color….WHITE.”

I’m not sure whether this is an art prank, a particularly glorious instance of spontaneous creative contagion or an outbreak of viral whimsy. But the only thing that would make it better is a stack of Oreos. Hat tip: Miami Steve Haruch and kottke.org.

[Editor’s note: The real Tuscan Milk site can be found here.]