Those Pesky White House Documents

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Filed under: Satire

Constitution BurningFrom Daily Kos
December 19, 2007:

White House confirms the following records destroyed in the 3rd floor fire: New Updates
by Reality Bites Back

This afternoon, the White House confirmed that a quickly contained blaze isolated to a storage room utility closet on the third floor of the Eisenhower Executive Office building destroyed the following records:

All records pertaining to:

  • All Executive Branch internal correspondence since January, 2001
  • All RNC computer servers, back-up servers, and archival back-ups
  • The original Downing Street Memo and associated notes
  • Valerie Plame and the White House investigation of the leak (W.H. UPDATE: no records of Valerie Plame investigation destroyed as there was no investigation)
  • Bandar Bush
  • God's personal correspondence with President Bush including those related to the invasion of Iraq
  • No-bid Halliburton contracts
  • War crimes committed by U.S. contractors in Iraq
  • Troop body armor tests and procurement orders
  • Jessica Lynch
  • The pulling down of the Saddam statue by non-Iraqis
  • All unaccounted for money in Iraq
  • The “troops” fault to not guard the weapons stockpile in Iraq
  • Abu Ghraib
  • Scuttling of the original Abramoff investigation, by the President
  • Federal court appointees and their qualifications and records
  • Extraordinary rendition
  • Negroponte's activities in Iraq
  • Judith Miller's embedded reporting and using her influence to override generals
  • Bombing Al-Jazeera television
  • “Mission Accomplished”
  • Bribing and threatening of journalists and planting of stories in the U.S and Iraq
  • Stopping the NY Times from revealing White House secret spying on Americans
  • Jeff Gannon/Guckert
  • De-baathification and the breakup of the Iraqi army
  • Swift Boat vets
  • Terror alerts
  • Bumper sticker and T-shirt slogan monitoring
  • Florida 2000 voter suppression
  • Florida 2000 election over-votes
  • Bush v. Gore court papers
  • Richard Clark's warnings about abandoning anti-terror and a returning to the military-industrial profiteering of the cold war
  • Pre 9/11 domestic spying
  • The Vice Presidents Energy Task Force and all meetings dividing up Iraq's oil fields pre 9/11
  • Bush's vacation records
  • Enron and all related activities during California's “energy crisis”
  • The accompanying Gray Davis recall and Ken Lay meetings
  • The Congressional records relating to passing legislation with last second changes, midnight votes, and the minority excluded from committee meetings.
  • The Missile defense shield
  • The U.S. national debt and holders of the debt
  • The Healthy Forest legislation and associated crop yields
  • The Clear Skies legislation and new acceptable levels of toxic emissions
  • Able Danger and the post-it notes hiding Mohammad Atta
  • The “Bin Laden determined to Strike in U.S.” PDB
  • All copies of “My Pet Goat”
  • Extrication of Saudis after 9/11, especially Saudis named “Bin Laden”
  • The 9/11 commission
  • All confiscated video tapes from 9/11 showing impact with Pentagon
  • Bush and Cheney's joint un-sworn “conversation” with the 9/11 commission
  • Library checkout and Amazon shopping records of every American
  • Bin Laden's actual location after he “escaped” from Tora Bora
  • Yellowcake documents from Niger
  • Curveball
  • Colin Powell's United Nations speech
  • Ahmad Chalabi
  • Attempts to dismantle PBS
  • Using FCC's fines to quash dissent
  • The IRS collection of political affiliations
  • Using American troops as speech props for Presidential speeches
  • Diebold
  • Ohio voter suppression
  • Terri Schiavo and the emergency session of Congress
  • Questioning the full faith and credit of the United States to scare people into dismantling Social Security
  • Payola related to the Medicare bill
  • Targeting and surveillance of peace lovers as terrorists
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • Oil profits and tens of billions of dollars of general fund giveaways to oil companies
  • Multiple consecutive tours of combat for National Guardsmen
  • The $200 million bridges to nowhere
  • New Orleans levies
  • Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court
  • Bill Frist and the FEC and insider trading
  • Alito and the Vanguard Fund
  • Bob Ney of Ohio and Coingate
  • Duke Cunningham of San Diego and related bribes and treason
  • The U.S. Attorney firings of the U.S. Attorney who prosecuted Duke Cunningham and who was pursuing the investigation to the White House.
  • Tom Delay's redistricting in TX and using anti-terror assets to track down legislators
  • Tom Delay's ethics violations
  • Jack Abramoff
  • NSA wiretapping without warrants
  • The failing grade from the 9/11 commission
  • Data mining and reading your mail
  • The 5 million missing emails
  • also destroyed were all records related to:

  • Bush's cocaine use and failure to take the ANG drug test
  • Bush's drunk driving
  • Bush's Texas Air National Guard service
  • Bush's Arbusto stock sale, Saudi bailout, and lack of SEC follow-up
  • Bush's insider trading at Harken and Bush 41's quashing of the investigation
  • Bush's stealing of a public stadium from the taxpayers of Texas
  • Cheney’s Wyoming residency papers
  • Police response to Cheney shooting a man in the face after drinking
  • Push-polling smear on John McCain during the 2000 Republican primary
  • All original video masters of Steven Colbert's Press Corps dinner roast
  • Countless other records and computer systems were apparently stored in the 3 foot by 3 foot utility closet, the content of which shall be revealed as destroyed as necessary pending any future investigations.

    BREAKING: word that the Constitution of the United States was inexplicably consumed by flames in its nuclear blast-proof storage case by a glowing ember that apparently drifted from the Eisenhower Executive Office Building and into a thermal exhaust port that lead directly to the Constitution. No plans to reconstruct the document are pending.

    : : :

    UPDATE:

    Also confirmed destroyed:

  • All records of clients of the DC Madame
  • All IMs and emails between Republican congressmen and underage Congressional staffers
  • Secret Service records of all people having meetings with the President and Vice President since January 2001
  • All recorded promises, affirmations, and statements by Democratic Congressional leaders to hold the Administration accountable
  • : : :

    UPDATE 2

    Continuing reports of records stored in the third floor closet and subsequently destroyed also include all records pertaining to:

  • Pat Tillman
  • Free Speech zones
  • Iranian Nuclear Program National Intelligence Estimate
  • Guantanamo
  • FEMA staged news conferences
  • New Orleans reconstruction contracts, and
  • Administration banning of U.S. meat companies from inspecting all of their meat
  • : : :

    UPDATE 3

    Still more records reported completely destroyed include all items relating to:

  • Alberto Gonzales' memory (and “meeting” with Ashcroft in hospital)
  • De-listed superfund toxic waste dump sites
  • The original Nixon Tapes
  • “Missing” Weapons of Mass Destruction from Iraq
  • Bernard Kerik's Homeland Security application form
    and tragically
  • Joe Lieberman's Democratic Party membership card
  • : : :

    UPDATE 4

    Apparently the quantity of records destroyed was a result of a broken water pipe that has been scheduled for repair since 2001. As the sprinkler system was not functioning, the Blackwater employees hired to guard the records could only throw more records onto the flames in an attempt to contain them.

    Additional records from a neighboring closet presently unaccounted for that are believed to have been destroyed in the fire now include items related to:

  • All subpoenas issued by the U.S. Congress to White House employees
  • Walter Reed facility maintenance
  • NASA's evidence of global warming (redacted and sealed by the administration)
  • Looting of the Native American Trust Fund
  • Forensic reports from 2001 anthrax attacks against key Democrats and media
  • Dubai Ports deal
  • Under-funding of Russian loose nuclear materials security programs
  • Guidelines for putting American citizens on no-fly and terror watch lists
  • The Vice President's red phone that directly connects the Vice-President's office to the on-air Fox news desk (possibly salvageable)
  • More details of the devastating fire to come…

    image source: Unconfirmed Sources, thanks Erin