Paris processes

Filed under: Satire

Exclusive for! Paris Hilton’s Prison Diary!
Day whatev…

Dear Diary,

paris-hilton-1200.jpgSo had to get to Hawaii to get my base tan back. Of course after getting my roots touched up, OMG 23 days in jail and you can totally go to the dogs! But I did learn a few things and that is pretty hot, you know to take the bad and make lemonade out of it and not have it be too sour, you know? Just sweet enough? With a straw and all?

One is that jail is a weight loss program where you can eat whatever crap they give you and still lose those unwanted three pounds. And it”™s much better than rehab cos rehab makes you look like a druggie. And jail can be a good career move like Martha Stewart and all. That there is a God because there”™s gonna be a Spice Girls reunion and that bible reading stuff really makes you more sympathetic and lessens your sentence. And from now on I”™m just gonna follow all the laws. And I miss my new vent girlfriends, really I do and I want to help them not be there anymore so I”™m gonna some how open a home for them somewhere, and it will be nice and have curtains and stuff. See I do have a big heart and am sincere!

I also learned that the judicial system is pretty fucked up if they pump up my sentence then let me have privileges that no other inmate has. I mean isn”™t that what they call oxymoronic? But thank God I got out in time for the Victoria Secret bathing suit sale! I may be super rich but I like a bargain too, especially now that I”™m more real and stuff.