Editor’s Note: Ask The Fiddler is a lifestyle advice column that aims to remedy more chaos and confusion than it creates. Questions may be submitted to us here at Art of the Prank, and good luck.
Dear Fiddler:
Much as I appreciate a holiday in honor of Columbus, I”ve seen reports that he may be getting undeserved credit. So, who discovered America?
Annie in Montpelier
Dear Annie:
This is a subject steeped in considerable controversy.
There are those who contend that the real problem is, the whole thing is taught back-asswards. The truth of the matter is, as these contrarians see it, Native Americans discovered Europe. We”ll delve deeper into that matter in a bit, but first let”s have a look at some other contenders for the exploit attributed to Columbus.
It might be worth noting that boats without motors can be unpredictable vehicles. Over the vast expanse of human time, wouldn”t you suspect that a great many drifiting boats from afar inadvertently “discovered” America?
Further, there is the factor that might be called the macho double-dare. “Buddy, I”ll bet you ten conch shells and a bucket of whale blubber the world ain”t flat.” How many reckless young sailors set off to see what lay beyond the horizon?
And we can”t discount greed, the search for riches.
Lastly there is the incentive provided by barbaric hordes coming over the hill. How often in the violent history of mankind was it time to pack your shit and git, possibly sailing off for parts unknown?
The thing is, dang near everybody discovered America. A bit of research will reveal that, whatever your heritage, you can probably make a claim of relatedness to a discoverer of America. Continue reading “Ask The Fiddler #12: Everybody Discovered America!”
As any runner can tell you, there’s a fine art to selecting the right music to keep you going, mile after mile. As a result, a whole mini-industry has sprung up to supply athletes with performance-enhancing playlists, from websites like Jog.FM and Rock My Run to Nike’s Original Run series of asphalt-friendly mixes from A-Trak, Cassius, and LCD Soundsystem. Yay, capitalism! But, as it turns out “” and is so often the case where sports are involved “” the Communists were way ahead of us. In the 1970s and early ’80s, the East German Olympic program employed the electronic composer Martin Zeichnete to create workout soundtracks for the GDR’s teams “” shimmering, motorik pulse-music that, in combination with a top-secret doping program, would aid the athletes in their goal to become the ultimate Menschen-Maschinen. 
by T.D. Allman: Ponce de Leon, Washington Irving, and the Fountain of Youth — and how the name “Florida” was chosen. 
If you go looking for the Fountain of Youth in its reputed location in St. Augustine, Florida], you’ll know you’ve almost reached your destination when you find yourself peering up at an ancient-looking arch. Across the top you’ll see displayed, in Ye Olde English-type lettering, an inscription. It reads: FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. The lettering is meant to evoke long-vanished times of chivalry and derring-do, but one detail marks it as indubitably Floridian: the sign is made of neon tubing. In the gathering subtropical twilight, the FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH sign glows and sputters like the VACANCY sign on a state highway motel. According to press releases provided by the Fountain of Youth Archaeological Park, which is what this venerable tourist attraction currently calls itself, this is the very spot where ‘Ponce de Leon landed in St. Augustine in 1513 searching for a Fountain of Youth.’ …