Submitted for consideration by Raymond Delauney. Pretty funny stuff!
The Raymond Delauney Emails
As described on Entertainment AOL.co.uk: No one is safe from his poison keyboard.
He’s the ultimate email prankster who’s played jokes on celebrities, company directors and plain old average Jo Public in equal measure. From American psychics to Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson, nobody’s inbox is safe from Raymond Delauney’s tricks.
Delauney embarks on a mission to antagonize as many people as he can – via email. Convincingly adopting a number of different guises, including a job applicant, salesman, disgruntled customer and inventor, one thing remains constant – Delauney’s ability to irritate and provoke whoever he engages in correspondence.
This book is a Henry Root updated for our times. While the names and email addresses have been changed, the emails themselves are very, very real!…
Samples of email correspondence from the book:
Doorman
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 2005 17:16:03 +0000 (GMT)
From: “raymond delauney”
Subject: Security work
To: darryl@carfaxsecurity.com
Hi,
I saw the advert for security staff. I think I fit the bill.
I don’t have no security experience what you might want but I have worked on the front line at many clubs.
I’ve work the door at Wall to Wall in Bromley for two years and can provide good references if required.
Basically, if it goes off you can rely on me. If any other staff are in trouble I’ll wade in. I don’t look for it but will ‘ave it if they want to get busy.
I’m 6’3 high. When I hit someone they stay hit. I doubt anyone else what applies will be able to bench press more than me.
We get a load of students where I work but they are mainly pussies, sometimes I might need to crack a few heads together though.
I don’t like trouble but I don’t turn and walk away from it.
How much is the pay?
Raymond Delauney
—
From: “Darryl Cole” < darryl@carfaxsecurity.com >
To: “‘raymond delauney'”
Subject: RE: Security work
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 2005 17:24:15 -0000
Hello
We pay £12 per hour and its Friday and Saturdays from 9.30 to 2.30 and I pay cash at the end of the shift on Saturday. Can you start work this Friday or Saturday?
Regards
Position: Deputy Night Editor
Mercury is THE newspaper phenomenon of the past five years. It has established an enviable reputation as the first source of news for millions of commuters in dozens of cities across Britain. We are looking for a first-class editorial operator who knows how to write accurate, brilliant, punchy news strories, sparkling headlines and is a wizard with QuarkXPress. You will already be on the back or middle bench of another national newspaper or on a major regional daily newspaper. We have a small team and tight deadlines which means you must not be afraid of hard work and the pressure of delivering a top-quality product day after day. We will fashion the job to suit your skills but it will probably involve revising, subbing and designing news pages as well as taking charge of late editions of the paper. Your reward will be a competitive salary and a chance to work on a successful newspaper which is changing the face of the industry. Please send your CV to John Livingston at the address below. Alternatively, send e-mail: john.livingston@mercuryrising.co.uk
—
Date: Sat, 11 Jun 2005 15:25:33 +0100 (BST)
From: raymond delauney
Subject: I don’t think so, John
To: john.livingstone@mercuryrising.co.uk
John,
Thanks for contacting me about the vacant position of Deputy Night Editor.
Unfortunately I am not interested in the position at this moment in time and, to be perfectly frank, I never will be.
I have been with the Mail for four years and during this time have been happy to work here. I find it odd that anyone would think I would want to take a hefty pay cut, work nights and become your deputy. I hope you don’t take umbrage but I feel the Mercury is somewhat beneath my station in terms of what I’ve achieved in journalism. You wouldn’t expect Shakespeare to write a Carry On script and similarly I wouldn’t pen for the Mercury.
Congratulations on the pricing policy of the rag you churn out – you’ve got it just about spot on. I would be grateful if you do not approach me with a new improved offer – you’d only be wasting your time and mine. Find yourself another tea boy. I understand you want the best in the business – and I am that – but loyalty is something money can’t buy. P.S You might want to get a sub to check out your sloppy ad.
Regards, Raymond Delauney
—
Subject: Re: Metro
To: ‘raymond delauney’
From: john.livingstone@mercuryrising.co.uk
Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2005 12:34:17 +0100
Dear Raymond, Thank you for your e-mail … given that I have never heard of you nor e-mailed you, I was surprised to receive a reply.
That said, I am exceedingly grateful you do not wish to join Mercury. Maybe when you have grown up a bit and stop sending ill-informed, petty-minded and insulting e-mails to people you do not know, I might consider you suitable for a position (probably some way beneath tea boy, however) In the mean time, enjoy your well-paid, extremely comfortable job on The Mail and I hope one day you manage to break into proper journalism.
Regards
John Livingstone
—
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 07:41:28 +0100 (BST)
From: ‘raymond delauney’
Subject: Re: METRO
To: john.livingstone@mercuryrising.co.uk
Oh, that’s good Livingstone, awfully good.
First you send me a toadying mail practically begging me to join your ramshackle, two bob outfit. A missive so slimy, so sycophantic I can practically see your slobber all over it. And then, a mere two days later, directly after I’ve dismissed your job offer I’ve somewhat sourly been downgraded to a position some way ‘beneath tea boy’.
Don’t flatter yourself old chap, you make your own char. And I dare say your occupation necessitates a fair and steady swill. Doubtless to pull you through those elongated, tedious nights unloading bundles of newspaper from the back of lorries, swapping idle chatter in broken English (yours) with drivers from the backwaters of Eastern Europe.
I’d wager Sir, that the position you occupy is nothing more than that of a glorified security guard, the deluded species who, once handed a uniform, deem themselves to be a fundamental hinge of the secret service.
When I mentioned I work for the Mail I was referring to the Daily Mail and not, for example, the Hull and East Riding Mail. Most neutral observers would judge this journal to hold a little more in the way of prestige than the Mercury, the rag that serves only to litter the streets. If this leaflet were priced at tuppence you’d sell five copies a day.
If I were to upset my bosses at Associated Newspapers sufficiently well, and I’m thinking I might have to be responsible for at least one death here, then I may tumble far enough down the ladder to land a position as your boss At which point you could watch me slurp the tea you make me as I supervise your loading/ unloading lorries.
I’d be eternally grateful if you didn’t inconvenience me again with any further correspondence. I must confess you are really beginning to irk me.
Regards,
Raymond Delauney
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